"Her Thoughts and Feelings": Awakening of Female and Political Consciousness under the Parental Authority and Brainwashing Environment

Growing up in a typical authoritarian family, I remember my parents seldom hit me, for I usually started crying and yielded when they threatened me with sticks. I remember a few times in elementary school when I was beaten for not obeying. Whether it hurt or not, I can't clearly recall, but the fear and indignation still bring me to tears. I don't understand what I, a small child at that age, could have done to deserve such punishment, especially since I was the obedient and quiet child neighbors spoke of.

Apart from fear, the elders' preference for boys over girls made me feel incredibly wronged. No matter how well I performed in school, gender seemed to be the primary criteria when comparing me with peers. He is a boy, so he is more important than me; my mother was considered inferior for having given birth to me, a girl, and I seemed to bring shame to her, preventing my father from passing on the family line. No matter how hard I studied, it seemed futile, as if I should simply marry well.

Sometimes I almost believed what society was telling me. I almost thought boys were naturally better at science, and no matter how hard I worked, I could never be as good. I almost believed that after graduating, finding a job and getting married were the main goals, and that any woman sexually active before marriage was shameless. Eventually, I almost accepted that it wouldn't be too bad to continue being submissive.

Fortunately, I never really gave in and always longed for more choices. Since junior high, I wanted to decide where to study, the farther from home, the better. After the college entrance examination, I didn't choose the major my father wanted, and he angrily told me not to blame him if I couldn't find a job. I rarely went home during college because there was nothing appealing about that house, only their absolute control and the oppressive atmosphere.

One year, after a conflict with my father, I realized that the fear of being beaten as a child was still there. When I refused to go to a party, he unreasonably forced me, and when I resisted, he physically tried to remove me from the room, threatening to hit me.

I cried like I did as a child, unable to understand why, as an adult, I was still being controlled like a child. The cage I thought I had escaped was still there, along with the fear, indignation, and now shame.

I yielded again, agreeing to go, wiping away my tears, and secretly booking a ticket to leave early the next day. I packed quietly that night and left without telling my parents. They probably thought I had become rebellious. But on my way to the station and before the car started, I was afraid they would angrily drag me back home. Thankfully, they never went that far, but can tears wipe away fear and hurt?

After running away, my father, who had always had absolute control, seemed to soften, though he never apologized. At least I realized I could resist, and my resistance was effective.

I no longer worried about being forced to marry or having to return to a small town for a stable job like other obedient girls. All because I knew I had broken free from their control, and their childhood fears were no longer real to me. I no longer cared about their belief that boys were superior or their lack of respect for me as an individual. I even thought they should fear me because I no longer truly obeyed or cooperated, no longer blindly feared, and I would no longer be a submissive good girl.

I also began to question why, as a woman, I had fewer choices. For example, if I wanted to travel alone, my parents would strongly object, so I had to secretly arrange it and only tell them afterward. But if something happened, society would likely blame the victim, not the perpetrator. If I remained single, I would become the ridiculed "leftover woman," and my education would be proof of the uselessness of studying. If I said childbirth was painful and I didn't want to do it, people would say all women can, so why can't I? If I had a baby, would I lose my life, become responsible 24/7 for another life, could I trust my partner, could I manage everything, could I still have my career, would I get depressed?

I began to care about women's rights and fate and became more sensitive. I wondered why my mother was ridiculed for not having a boy and why the blame fell on her, not my father. Why were boys always considered better than me in school, and when I outperformed them, it was seen as luck or harder work? Why was I afraid to tell anyone when a male teacher "took special care" of me and even felt it was my fault? Why did we celebrate Girls' Day but disregard Women's Day? Why did society expect women to be pure and praise men for promiscuity? Why did society glorify mothers' sacrifice but continue to demand more and reduce their space to be themselves? ...

I have started to think about some things that I used to take for granted and have begun to aspire to become an independent woman. I don't know where the idea of seeking security and relying on a man for survival comes from, and I can't distinguish whether these thoughts are my own or have been intentionally or unintentionally instilled in me. But I've started to hope that I can at least never lose myself and my dignity, no matter what.

I later discovered that the process of female consciousness awakening is quite similar to my later political awakening. Although it is accompanied by many profound fears, I have also begun to recognize and think about the lack of rights, to realize the hidden oppression in everyday life, and then to resist and rebel.

I have been disappointed. But a fellow supporter was right; why would I expect people who grew up in places lacking basic education and social education to have a different understanding of gender or even sexual orientation compared to others?

But it's okay to be a little sensitive, right?

Sometimes I don't understand why so many men intentionally or unintentionally ignore and even mock the injustices women suffer. But when I think that if I were a boy, maybe I could callously say things like, "Girls are not as good as boys in studying," "There is no gender inequality," "You girls are living happily now, what more do you want?" or "What's the big deal about giving birth, others can do it, are you too precious?"

But even if I were male, I would still have a mother, female friends, a wife, and daughters. Could I ignore the pain and injustice they might face? Just as I'm heterosexual, I cannot tolerate discrimination against people with different gender identities or orientations. They might be my friends, relatives, or children. I would never allow or accept them suffering such pain. Yes, the fact is that all beings suffer, and I acknowledge that men suffer too. That's why we need feminism/equality, to give everyone a chance to choose a life that feels less burdensome and unjust.

The majority of women's education has been about dolls and fairy tales, as if politics is a man's game. I've never cared much about politics or thought it had much to do with my life. But after awakening to women's issues and seeing female politicians, I realized that we must fight for the same political rights as men. The strong empathy for Hong Kong people after the anti-extradition bill protests awakened me to the terror of totalitarianism, the hidden facts, and deliberately fabricated lies. I realized that fighting only for women's rights was not enough.

I want to "gain the same rights and choices as men," but I'm also willing to "fight with respectful and understanding men for the rights we both lack."

Should men "enjoy the small privileges brought by gender inequality with the little remaining power" or "fight with women, who are more oppressed, for the rights we lack"? I don't know. But if I were a man, I know what path I would choose.

I also recall the fear my parents' authoritarianism brought me, similar to the later fear of government authoritarianism. Perhaps the seed to resist even greater tyranny was planted when I chose to rebel against my parents, as long as I recognize oppression and desire freedom.

Feminists should be allies against authoritarianism rather than scorned and rejected. If women conscious of gender issues are not politically awakened, it's only because they are satisfied with the government-fed theories, never motivated to learn about history and truth, thinking that current stability is enough. Once they distinguish between the party and the country, recognize the blatant concealments and alterations in historical events and news, they will quickly realize what's wrong. Women's current plight, dissatisfaction with reality, empathy for historical victims will overturn their previous belief in the government's legitimacy, at least I think so.

I know that raising these issues may invite unbearable mockery and disdain on social media. The views on democracy and freedom different from those inside the wall often surprise me, but some people's backward views on women's issues and arrogant indifference to women's thoughts chill me even more. I still hope you listen to what they think, likely what your mothers, girlfriends, daughters experience daily. A fellow supporter mentioned that the value of telling stories and feelings is no less than researching problems. I hope so, and I hope for more understanding and support.